That I would be good

I would be good...
....
even if I got the thumbs down ...
if I was not all knowing ...
even when I numb myself ...
even when I am overwhelmed ...
even when I was fuming ...
even if I was clingy ...
even if I lost sanity... I would be good
-Alanis

I have been told by many that I'm a bitch. No surprise there because I am. I don't pretend to be nice nor to be a good person. I don't sugar coat most of the things I say to make a person feel better nor do I callously say insulting things just to criticize. I say the truth.. or at least my version of what the truth is. I do things to please me mostly, and not others. I dress for my own satisfaction and not for the leering eyes of the norm.


With others, I talk about myself more frequently than they would because I never get to do it any other time. My silence is too deafening. If left in the confines of my head, it will probably explode.


Gossip kills friendship... so I talk about me instead.

Bitch: an overbearing woman. Something that is extremely difficult, objectionable or unpleasant.

Everyone was right.

We can't all please everyone. But I'd rather get the thumbs down from the get go. It's easier to be disliked. No one expects anything from you. They can only think of the worst which won't really affect you 'cus you expected them to think that way. It's so much better. It's difficult when people start off liking you for the wrong reasons. Its easier for the faults to be left unnoticed... Until it becomes unbearable.

I've always known there was somethin utterly wrong with me. But I chose not to see.

It's hard to swallow vomit. But its needed. How else would I know how it tastes?

Acceptance makes it easier though. It gets exhausting trying to fight it off.

But i'm still good... even knowing all this. I'm alright.

Maybe someday I could even look in the mirror long enough to see.

Urbandictionary Definition - Belle

I, along with some of my colleagues, was checking out definitions in Urbandictionary and I didnt want to check out my nickname Belle since it isn't really my name and I already knew what it meant. But I typed it in anyways. At first it was the usual definition like "Beautiful" and so on. But as I scrolled down, the other meanings caught me by surprise.

Belle: short girl,high class fashionable clothes.sucks at life,smart in school.she is very ditzy,like a pino blonde.Skank!haha jk.

"Dude love your clothes, so Belle."

Belle: A word used to describe those midget-type angry women, who have to compensate for their shortcomings by playing juvenile games with other

cruddies.

"That Belle sure doesn't know how to accept responsibility for her actions. Hopefully she'll be smarter one day, but I won't hold my breath."

Hmm... I was a bit surprised. A colleague said that she was sure that those definitions came from someone at work.
I was a bit offended. Not by what was said but by what the meaning of my name is. Urbandictionary is no Merriam webster or dictionary.com but still.
I started thinking if it was really about me.

Sure hit me where it hurt.

But then I never thought I was angry. Just defensive and short. Napoleon Syndrome much?

I started wondering who could have written such a callous attempt to hurt my cold cold heart. I guess I was just annoyed that a colleague had to tell everyone about the definition and would tell whoever else did not know about it. Of course whoever read saw it agreed with a laugh.

Then I decided that I don't give a rat's ass. Atleast I was on Urban dictionary! :)

But then I looked it up again and found out that the 1st meaning was written back in June 2004 and the second one.... Well look at that! Feb 2, 2008!

Definitely not from the office.

I guess its some other Belle who is almost exacly like me. A doppelganger maybe?

Hmmm... how curious.

Reflection

During our yosi break this afternoon, a colleague asked nonchalantly "Do you look at yourself in the mirror naked?"

I immediately said "No!"

Being as defensive as I am, I started saying that I don't look at every nook and cranny of my body and that I find it weird.
In my head, I added that I don't stare at myself in the mirror and make hoots while admiring the beauty that is ME!

Then I thought about it.

I don't really look at myself in the mirror as often as my other colleagues do. Yes, I check if I'm decent.
I put some rouge, put a bit of face power to cover the dark spots and dab the oil from my face. But I never spend a long period of time looking at myself in the mirror.

Not because I'm not vain 'cus God knows there is a big chunk of vanity in me. I guess the reason behind it is, in my head I know how I look. Or should look. Confident, smart, talented, pretty... and I wanna keep it that way.

I'm afraid that if I look in the mirror too long, I'll be wrong. I can't afford to be wrong. I've built my confidence for 28years for me to be wrong about myself.

It's a scary thought, not seeing the person I have in my head through my reflection.

BLAHcation

I planned to go to Cebu then to Bohol from January 18-22, but unfortunately my plans got whacked. So I decided to go to Batangas instead, and just my luck.. my mom didn’t ALLOW me to go because she said its too dangerous. Yes… she did not let me go. Apparently, she still thinks I’m 12. I don’t blame her.

So after an hour of constant screaming and hearing “Maiintindihan mo pag nagka anak ka!” and my sister echoing in the background, I finally succumbed. So instead of my 1 week out of town just-a-few-hours-away-from-home-vacation, I ended up just checking in a local hotel… but wait! There’s more! It had to be a hotel where my mom knew the managers! Yes… she said that I would get a 30% discount and the managers can have a close watch. Nice.

So to make everyone happy but myself, I decided to just try to sound happy about the discount I got and told my mom all about it. What a nice BLAHcation.

Here’s a view from my hotel room. No I didn’t swim in the pool… Just didn’t feel like it.

So anyways, I wasn’t going to let the little setbacks stop my BLAHcation so I soaked in the tub.

I was lucky enough to have a friend who cared enough for my well being while having my BLAHcation and gave me my favorite veggies so I can smoke my head off! And that I did. It was such a beautiful feeling. Soaking in a tub for an hour as the bubbles tickled my skin.

I watched my toes mutate from its smooth elastic skin to the pruney leather that made me laugh a little. I laughed cus I realized that in a few years, that’s how my entire body will look like.

Time is so fleeting.

Listening to Iron and Wine’s Flightless Bird, American mouth, Blue Foundation and the other ethereal songs I have in my ipod just added to the little world I was making for myself.

I realized why I wanted to have a vacation.

I wanted to escape from myself. I needed it. New Skin. Like a snake slithering down a garden bush. Shedding its old scales. Not to get rid of the old pattern it had but to make room for new flesh… new shapes.

It made me sad a little bit as I watched once again the pruned up feet soaking in the tub motionless. I’ll never lose this skin. It’ll get dark, painted, cleaned, dirtied and wrinkled but it’ll never really change. But I still want to try.

I came back to work with a new awareness of myself. A sense of calmness.

But as I stepped inside the room, all this calmness melted like butter in a hot pan. Like the room that accomodated me in my private getaway. Disarray.

It’s difficult to keep a serene state of being when you work where I work. It’s impossibility. My being such a sponge doesn't help me one bit. But it's not necessarily negative. It’s like a never ending printing press. You always have something new to read. New Headlines. Editorials. The funny pages. Horoscope. Celebrity page. Crossword puzzle. You just have to read. I might as well post it here.

Fighting it is futile especially when you know it's a part of you.

Tranquility never stood a chance.

I need to get my nails done.

Snap!

Back to my old self again.

Sometimes

Sometimes its hard to decipher the important things in life when you're moving so fast and everything else becomes a blur...


Sometimes its hard to know what is important when you're moving so slow and everything else becomes a blur...


Sometimes its so hard to BE when you don't know yourself -- what you are...


Sometimes its hard to know how to be yourself when everything else opposes to it...


Sometimes its hard to give love when you don't know what it is...


And sometimes its hard to know what it is when you don't know whose there all along to show you.

I swore I'd never go to this place again

May 23, '05

I cried last night and it made me wonder why
Is hurting better than being apatheticIs pain better than being numb
It seems like the road each one of us takes leads somewhere
But with it comes gains and losses...
I've gained some knowledge that seems to be useful in the life that I've chosen
But with this comes great losses
You'd want to go back... but its too late for that
You've chosen your water.. but where will you stop
I stand before you with happy smiles
Is it better
I can't maintain this face, but i have to
I never say great things... so i give you my smile
But does it help
At times it does but when the doors are shut
No ones there to see you...
The smiles fade away and the tears start to fall