Tags of Pages

When i really like a book I tend to put tags or markers on the pages to remind me of how much I enjoyed that particular part. A reminder of a life that could never be or a life that I could never run away from.

Anyways, I was just going through my micro mini library and i realized that I haven't finished or read about 10 books!

One is by Murakami, which I doubt I'd actually finish any time soon. Another is Dante's Inferno which I tried my darndest to understand. The rest include: Eating fire and drinking water (had a nice synopsis), The God of Small things (Seemed interesting), Bridget Jones's Diary - Edge of reason (got it off a book sale & I thought it was agood buy), The Sun also Rises (It's by Hemingway, I thought it would be like a Farewell to Arms ... I'll finish one of these days), Stainless Longganisa (I enjoyed Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas.. it's probably his best), The Tao of dreaming (I just got this one and I started reading it at the store), Like water for chocolates (Given to me as a gift. I didn't start it yet cus I realized I haven't finished a lot). There's one more which I'd rather not mention cus it's super cheesy it's not even funny!

With all this semi read books.... It may be a tell-tale sign that i may be Bipolar.

So anyways, instead of finishing one of these books, I decided to re-read one of my faves. No it's not Catcher... it's White Oleander. I just went through the markers I've made on the book.A little smirk... shake of the head... a knowing smile...

Those were the reactions I caught muself doing while going through these little markers I've put. Everything I've marked had something to do with loneliness, love --- the absence there of or the misunderstood notion of it and witty remarks about mediocrity and Defenses. Hah! No wonder I never finished the others.
They werent angry enough.

It's funny how you can tell so much about a person with his collection of books.

It's sad for my part really. But I guess I've accepted it. Either that or I'm just so used to it that I dont care anymore. Or maybe I'm just saying this to sound stronger than I really am... I'll go with the latter.
The pain is lessened when you peel of the band aid yourself... but sometimes it's hard to tell.

The Creak of the Door

I've been feeling under the weather lately. Come to think of it, I think it has been going on for quite a while now. I have bouts of depression which I do not have control over. It comes in waves of emotions and most often than not, the lack there of.

Yesterday, a trainee asked; "Miss Belle, are you ok? You've been having a diferent aura lately."
I shrugged it off and forced a smile. When we got back to class, I almost cried as I watched their expectant faces.

But big girls don't cry. Figuratively speaking. So I sucked it up.

I pretended that I've been having allergies and excused myself for sniffing and tearing up. I couldn't let the trainees see me in a weak state.

I couldn't figure out why I almost lost it. I'm a very logical person. There's always an answer to a question. An explanation to a phenomenon and a cause to an effect. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I couldnt figure ME out.

I wanted to cry out whatever I was feeling. But since I didn't know what it was I felt, I took out all my depressing movies when I got home.

I started it off with The Wrestler - a very sad story, but it didnt make me cry.

The Legends of the Fall -- one of my favorite tear jerkers, but still no tears.

Closer - a depressing heart break movie, and still no water works.

Then around 5 am, I heard the creak of a door opening. My sister's up.

An invisible sheath of panic covered me from head to toe and before I knew it I was gasping for air. Tears flowed relentlessly. I tried to stifle the cries, no need to cause panic. After a while, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth. I was biting down way too hard on the blanket I used to stuff my mouth with. I needed to make no sound.

I wanted to run to her. I wanted her to tell me it's okay. I wanted her to take the pain away. But all I could do was wave from my window. She smiled and waved back. Another burst of stifled tears and I realized I have been in pain for so long, I've forgotten that it was there.

9am... I needed to go to sleep. I went to my baby nephew's room and played with him. He is my definition of Love. So pure and simple.

12noon... Time to get ready for work. Suck it all up. Don't falter. No slips. No tears. Be strong.

That I would be good

I would be good...
....
even if I got the thumbs down ...
if I was not all knowing ...
even when I numb myself ...
even when I am overwhelmed ...
even when I was fuming ...
even if I was clingy ...
even if I lost sanity... I would be good
-Alanis

I have been told by many that I'm a bitch. No surprise there because I am. I don't pretend to be nice nor to be a good person. I don't sugar coat most of the things I say to make a person feel better nor do I callously say insulting things just to criticize. I say the truth.. or at least my version of what the truth is. I do things to please me mostly, and not others. I dress for my own satisfaction and not for the leering eyes of the norm.


With others, I talk about myself more frequently than they would because I never get to do it any other time. My silence is too deafening. If left in the confines of my head, it will probably explode.


Gossip kills friendship... so I talk about me instead.

Bitch: an overbearing woman. Something that is extremely difficult, objectionable or unpleasant.

Everyone was right.

We can't all please everyone. But I'd rather get the thumbs down from the get go. It's easier to be disliked. No one expects anything from you. They can only think of the worst which won't really affect you 'cus you expected them to think that way. It's so much better. It's difficult when people start off liking you for the wrong reasons. Its easier for the faults to be left unnoticed... Until it becomes unbearable.

I've always known there was somethin utterly wrong with me. But I chose not to see.

It's hard to swallow vomit. But its needed. How else would I know how it tastes?

Acceptance makes it easier though. It gets exhausting trying to fight it off.

But i'm still good... even knowing all this. I'm alright.

Maybe someday I could even look in the mirror long enough to see.

BLAHcation

I planned to go to Cebu then to Bohol from January 18-22, but unfortunately my plans got whacked. So I decided to go to Batangas instead, and just my luck.. my mom didn’t ALLOW me to go because she said its too dangerous. Yes… she did not let me go. Apparently, she still thinks I’m 12. I don’t blame her.

So after an hour of constant screaming and hearing “Maiintindihan mo pag nagka anak ka!” and my sister echoing in the background, I finally succumbed. So instead of my 1 week out of town just-a-few-hours-away-from-home-vacation, I ended up just checking in a local hotel… but wait! There’s more! It had to be a hotel where my mom knew the managers! Yes… she said that I would get a 30% discount and the managers can have a close watch. Nice.

So to make everyone happy but myself, I decided to just try to sound happy about the discount I got and told my mom all about it. What a nice BLAHcation.

Here’s a view from my hotel room. No I didn’t swim in the pool… Just didn’t feel like it.

So anyways, I wasn’t going to let the little setbacks stop my BLAHcation so I soaked in the tub.

I was lucky enough to have a friend who cared enough for my well being while having my BLAHcation and gave me my favorite veggies so I can smoke my head off! And that I did. It was such a beautiful feeling. Soaking in a tub for an hour as the bubbles tickled my skin.

I watched my toes mutate from its smooth elastic skin to the pruney leather that made me laugh a little. I laughed cus I realized that in a few years, that’s how my entire body will look like.

Time is so fleeting.

Listening to Iron and Wine’s Flightless Bird, American mouth, Blue Foundation and the other ethereal songs I have in my ipod just added to the little world I was making for myself.

I realized why I wanted to have a vacation.

I wanted to escape from myself. I needed it. New Skin. Like a snake slithering down a garden bush. Shedding its old scales. Not to get rid of the old pattern it had but to make room for new flesh… new shapes.

It made me sad a little bit as I watched once again the pruned up feet soaking in the tub motionless. I’ll never lose this skin. It’ll get dark, painted, cleaned, dirtied and wrinkled but it’ll never really change. But I still want to try.

I came back to work with a new awareness of myself. A sense of calmness.

But as I stepped inside the room, all this calmness melted like butter in a hot pan. Like the room that accomodated me in my private getaway. Disarray.

It’s difficult to keep a serene state of being when you work where I work. It’s impossibility. My being such a sponge doesn't help me one bit. But it's not necessarily negative. It’s like a never ending printing press. You always have something new to read. New Headlines. Editorials. The funny pages. Horoscope. Celebrity page. Crossword puzzle. You just have to read. I might as well post it here.

Fighting it is futile especially when you know it's a part of you.

Tranquility never stood a chance.

I need to get my nails done.

Snap!

Back to my old self again.