He calls me Ice Queen

Its days like these when I wish I had someone I can rely on... someone I can pour my heart out to without wondering if they're sick of me or if they're bored out of their minds... I dont have one of those...

I'm usually the one they go to...

I had a friend who used to call me Ice Queen. I asked him why and he said because Im numb all over. I didn't get fazed by that name. As a matter of fact, I was proud that he called me that. It seemed like I was this super villain who never gets hurt. He used to tell me that I need someone to thaw me out. I didn't really care.

I knew that I was pretty apathetic about many things. I dont get affected by many things that come my way. Better that way than welcome the unwanted feelings right? I knew that I was pretty cold. I mean I don't really care if someone leaves anymore.. you get used to it after a while. It's like putting alcohol on a healing scab.

It's so easy keeping people out that it's such a breeze when it comes to pushing them out.

I don't really care.

I don't even care if a person that I was close to does not talk to me for ages. My thinking is... you dont want to talk to me? SO what... people come and go... and I dont expect anyone to stay.

Sometimes I cry for the lack of emotion I carry with me. It's sad really. People think that I'm jaded when it comes to love... I think I'm just jaded... period.

I just had a fight with my big brother. And for the love of me... right now I don't care if I dont see or talk to him for years. I hurt him with so much with my words. I said... the only reason why I talk to him is because I have no choice. We were screaming at each other... I was throwing curse words everywhere... he kept quiet.

I was so angry I didnt even know where the anger was coming from. But feeding it was so delicious...

I've got a dagger for a tongue and I can't help it. That's why I hate being confronted. Cus I would never back down. You hurt me? I'll hurt you back 10x over. Defense mechanisms is a bitch. No one has enough ammo to hurt me that bad ... cus I never let anyone get to know me well enough. I've had my demons used against me and that will never happen again.

Sometimes I cry like I've just been stabbed with a rusty 9-inch nail. It doesnt seem so bad at first, but you start feeling the effect after a while.

I'm so deluded with my own ideals that I dont even know if I'm real anymore.

Status: SINGLE... so what?

We had a big family reunion last week in Ilocos and though I loved going there, I always find myself putting on my fake face.

Why? Because there are so much niceties and traditions that must be done even though I don't feel like it. Like saying "helleooow" to people I don't know. Playing nice to others I don't really care much about.

That's why I always bring my ipod and a book wherever I go. An excuse to escape. On this trip, I brought my dslr. A very good excuse to roam around the village without answering too many questions.

Questions such as; "Annabelle, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No tita."

"Why not? No one courting you"? (with a face which will make anyone feel like they're the ugliest human being alive. Either that or they give you a look where it seems like they're thinking 'there must be something wrong with her')

"Uh... ah... oh look! A flying bird! I have to catch it on flight! Bye tita!"

Avoiding questions like that seems inevitable cus it follows me everywhere I go. It's like there's definitely something wrong with you if you're not in a romantic relaitonship. I mean ... what is the big effing deal? If I'm not bothered, why are the rest bothered?

I had dinner with my family at a Chinese restaurant the other day and while I was drinking tea, my mom asked me the same question that everyone has been asking me. And when I said;

"No ma, I don't"

"Well, I wanna wear a beautiful gown for your wedding so could you hurry up and get yourself a boyfriend?"

"Well ma, I was planning on just grabbing a very good looking guy and just tricking him to have sex with me!"

My mom gave me the nastiest look then said..."Gaga"

I just smiled at her and said... "I don't have a boyfriend Ma, so don't expect me to get married any time soon."

Her face changed and gave me this look that was filled with so much pity. She touched my hair and she said; "You're very pretty".

A tear almost fell...

I looked at my tea cup just staring at the tea dregs. I was dumbfounded when i saw what it was shaped like. It reminded me of Harry trying to decipher his tea dregs and how Ms.Trelawney said that the grim symbolizes doom and death.

I wondered what mine represented. click! click! click!... I stirred it... I didn't want to be bothered with it anymore.

There are others who ask me about a very close friend of mine. "Why don't you just go for him? He's cute."

Urm.. uhh... because I don't want to. Just because I'm single, doesnt mean i'll go for the first guy who has a thing for me.

I understand that most of my friends and family just want me to be happy.

That's just the thing though... I am happy.

I'm perfectly fine.

And I don't need the incessant questioning to waver my happily thought of happiness.

It doesn't make things any better.

It just makes me think more of my jadedness... of my inability to feel romance and affection.

Apathy has helped me go through a lot. Why stop now?

For real? I think you got the wrong person.

I only got this because a friend of mine nominated me...
though I'm very thankful to LAPS for nominating me, I find this award a bit pretentious for me becuase I'm not a REAL blogger like most people here. Sometimes I'm envious of my other friends because they have so many ideas to write about to last a life time. I on the other hand have Flight of Ideas. I'll lose it in a moment, or I'll think of something else in another. I can never have a full grasp of my own ideas. If you take the time and look at my posts here... it's all about ranting and self-defacating introspection.

But of course I'm very thankful that I was given a blog award! I really do appreciate it and all... but seeing how cynical I am, I sill don't find the pleasure in receiving one.

:)