The Dreamer is Me

My colleagues are getting pestered with my affinity to the song Rainbow Connection. I play it on loop while checking test papers or when I'm on my lunch break with them. One of my friends at work even said; "Belle, if i hear Rainbow connection one more time... I su-wear..."

So I didn't play it anymore. Okay I lied. I played it like 11x today.
I guess the song's effect on me is different on others.

According to the great green wise muppet;

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

I first heard this when I was around 6 years old. I vividly remember Lea Salonga's innocent voice dancing in my ears. I sang along even though I didn't know the words nor did I understand what the words meant. My mom would applaud my gibberish and it made me happy. All I knew was that it made me feel like I was in a safe place.

But now that I listen to it. It puts me in a place full of hope ... then despondency. It's sad really. Like a child wishing for Santa to give her a pony for Christmas.

I've been listening to the 4 versions of this song (Kermit the Frog, Sarah McLachlan, Jason Mraz & Lea Salonga) for two weeks now and each one of them made me feel the same. It doesn't seem so magical to me anymore. It just seems like a song full of false hopes. Replacing rainbow with the dreaded four-letter word didn't make it any better and I find myself with a lump in my throat everytime the song is at its end. The end of hoping ...

...What's so amazing that keeps us star-gazing?
What do you think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
...

...I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

People get older and in their years come realization. I'm not a kid anymore. No sense in wishing.
It's a matter of mind-set they say.
But it seems like my song is about to end and I have yet to see my rainbow.

The Creak of the Door

I've been feeling under the weather lately. Come to think of it, I think it has been going on for quite a while now. I have bouts of depression which I do not have control over. It comes in waves of emotions and most often than not, the lack there of.

Yesterday, a trainee asked; "Miss Belle, are you ok? You've been having a diferent aura lately."
I shrugged it off and forced a smile. When we got back to class, I almost cried as I watched their expectant faces.

But big girls don't cry. Figuratively speaking. So I sucked it up.

I pretended that I've been having allergies and excused myself for sniffing and tearing up. I couldn't let the trainees see me in a weak state.

I couldn't figure out why I almost lost it. I'm a very logical person. There's always an answer to a question. An explanation to a phenomenon and a cause to an effect. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I couldnt figure ME out.

I wanted to cry out whatever I was feeling. But since I didn't know what it was I felt, I took out all my depressing movies when I got home.

I started it off with The Wrestler - a very sad story, but it didnt make me cry.

The Legends of the Fall -- one of my favorite tear jerkers, but still no tears.

Closer - a depressing heart break movie, and still no water works.

Then around 5 am, I heard the creak of a door opening. My sister's up.

An invisible sheath of panic covered me from head to toe and before I knew it I was gasping for air. Tears flowed relentlessly. I tried to stifle the cries, no need to cause panic. After a while, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth. I was biting down way too hard on the blanket I used to stuff my mouth with. I needed to make no sound.

I wanted to run to her. I wanted her to tell me it's okay. I wanted her to take the pain away. But all I could do was wave from my window. She smiled and waved back. Another burst of stifled tears and I realized I have been in pain for so long, I've forgotten that it was there.

9am... I needed to go to sleep. I went to my baby nephew's room and played with him. He is my definition of Love. So pure and simple.

12noon... Time to get ready for work. Suck it all up. Don't falter. No slips. No tears. Be strong.

I swore I'd never go to this place again

May 23, '05

I cried last night and it made me wonder why
Is hurting better than being apatheticIs pain better than being numb
It seems like the road each one of us takes leads somewhere
But with it comes gains and losses...
I've gained some knowledge that seems to be useful in the life that I've chosen
But with this comes great losses
You'd want to go back... but its too late for that
You've chosen your water.. but where will you stop
I stand before you with happy smiles
Is it better
I can't maintain this face, but i have to
I never say great things... so i give you my smile
But does it help
At times it does but when the doors are shut
No ones there to see you...
The smiles fade away and the tears start to fall