Nothing

I drown again.
No breath to take in
Only water.
This is what I have.
It is life .. and yet I die.
It is my air, this water
It pushes me to breathe
I struggle.. and yet I lose

Every breath fills me in
And causes a limb to shutdown.
I then sink into nothingness
where dark creatures dwell.
I tremble at the thought
Nothing but the cold
Nothing but darkness

But in death..
There is nothing left to fear.
In the end, there is nothing

Photo taken from :  http://eyesofodysseus.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/fear-of-drowning-by-starfishyy.jpg

Winter

Have you ever been in a place where you doubt yourself in everything

Every thought

Every act

Every smile

Every tear

Everything is tepid.. aside from his presence

Which gives you the shiver of chill and the breathlessness of heat

Have you ever been in a place where just a word would melt everything

Just a sound

Just a look

Just a smile

Just a shrug

Everything is nothing

Everything is mundane and uninteresting

But a piece of cloth means the world world

and a piece of paper is encyclopedias and odes

I've been to a  place where clouds serve as foot stools

and rainbows are hammocks

Lazing around with no cares for you are held by intangiblity

...

In this world filled with "free minds" and faces with "no judgement", I have never felt so ashamed to be me.

We are as we act.
We are as we speak.
We are as we think.
We are as we are treated.

I am not as expected. 
I am as you see.

But this is not all that is me. 

Unsent

In my solitude I think of you

I think of places you’ve been

And people you’ve talked to…

I’d like to see through your eyes

In my solitude I Dream of you

I dream of your kisses

And the smell of your skin…

In my dreams they are divine

In my solitude I crave for you

Your breath still lingering on me like satin sheets

Your words still embedded in my mind like harps and violins

Playing every melodious note to mine own

In my solitude, I think

Where this will lead

Will it last?

Will it be enough?

Will I suffice?

In my solitude, I stop

Each thought, a breath of needles

Each dream, bricks of tears

Each question, a dagger…

My lips whisper your name

Hoping…

That you will never be

In my Solitude

Eternal Sunshine

Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind brought about so much fleeting fancies I haven't had in a long time.

Clementine:

I’m lost, I’m scared

I feel like I’m disappearing.

My skin’s coming off

I’m getting old.

Nothing makes any sense to me

Nothing makes any sense!

There comes a point in your life when you start feeling this way. And you think to yourself that there’s something absolutely wrong with you… you just don’t know what it is.

Clementine:

Am I ugly?

When I was a kid, I thought I was.

Sometimes I think people don’t understand how lonely it is to be a kid.

Like, you don’t matter.

So, I’m 8 and I have these toys… these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine.

And I keep yelling at her “You can’t be ugly! Be pretty!”

It’s weird. Like if I can transform her, I would magically change too.

It’s weird how we personify inanimate objects.

Joel:

Can I just hold on to this memory? Please let me hold on to this one.

Sometimes it’s moments that we want to hold on to. But moments are called just that, for a reason.

Alexander Pope:

How happy is the blameless vessels lot

The world forgetting by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned

Ignorance is bliss.. so the saying goes. Sometimes its better not to remember… but not being able to remember that something happened in our lives makes us lose a part of ourselves.

Clementine:

Too many guys think that Im a concept or that I cpomplete them.. or I’m gonna make them alive.

I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for my own piece of mind. Don’t assign me yours

There are times when we look for a partner cus we think something is missing. But it shouldn’t be like that. Someone should not complete you, cus you were never incomplete in the first place. We make preconceived notions of someone who would complete us… who would make us alive. And when we realize that we have just fooled ourselves into thinking that way… that’s when we lose interest with the other.

Each individual’s worries is as great as another. It doesn’t matter how mundane it may be. But anything that bothers you is worth bothering about. But putting that on one person just makes you the horse in a kalesa. The kalesa wont work without the horse. Although the horse can run without a kalesa. And if the kalesa finally rids of the ropes that binds him… you’ll be left unable to run your own course. Hence trying to find another horse to latch into.

Phone Modus Operandi

I woke up with a start when our helper came in my room, staring at me with a confused look saying "Si Bil naman to" This is Belle. So I go "Sino pa nga ba? E kwarto ko to" Who else could it be? This is my room. She kept saying it over and over again to the point of me thinking that she's gone bonkers. I was already irritated cus she was in my dream. It annoyed me more that she was in my room just staring at me, so I said “Ano?” What? She then shows me a piece of paper and starts whispering random words at me; “Bil... tumawag... phone... secretary... kotsi... aksidenti … Norris (or atleast it sounded like Norris)”. So I thought Oh my God, Norris got into an accident. But why are they calling me? Then she went on saying “Bilya Plores.. aksidenti...”, she has a very thick Bicolana mixed with something else kind of accent so what I thought was Norris was actually Flores. My heart started pounding out of my chest because my mom's name is Bella Flor. Thousands of I should have's exploded in my head... I was in the brink of tears when I finally decided to just talk to whoever was on the phone.

Me: Hello? Yes? (I was trying to say What is this about?)
Female voice: Sino to? Who's this?
Me: (confused & a little irritated cus they called my house) Nakatira ako dito. Sino to? I live here. Who's this?
Female voice: Si Michelle.
Me: Ok Michelle. Tungkol saan to? What's this about?
Female voice: Sino to? Who's this?
Me: Nakatira nga ako dito... Tungkol ba saan to? … Bakit kayo napatawag? ...Sinong hinahanap niyo? I live here... what is this about?... why did you call?... who are you looking for?
(The woman on the other line was not really speaking)
Female voice: Si Mam Azusena po ang gusto kong kausapin. It is Ma'am Azusena that I would like to speak to.
Me: (Irritated that she has not told me anything and did not want to speak me) Tungkol ba saan to? Bakit nga kayo tumawag? What is this about? Why did you call?
Female voice: Sino to? Who's this? (click)
The woman hung up on me.

Our helper then told me the entire conversation with the woman. She said that she thought I got into an accident. She didn't know my full name so she thought it was me the lady was talking about. The lady on the other line said that the name they mentioned (which our helper thought was me), along with two people, got into an accident. My two friends have lost consciousness and I was the only one able to communicate with the police. Michelle asked who else was home and when our helper said that my brother was home, Michelle told her not to call him because I don't want my brother to know that I got into an accident. She went on saying that I have busted my mouth pretty bad and it's swollen and bleeding but that they've already put cotton in it so I should be fine.

A lawyer then spoke to our helper and said that I, and my other friends hit a rich Chinese family's car and that their son is badly wounded. They said that we were to be put in jail if we don't pay the family. Our helper then said that she talked to me on the phone crying, saying that I need her to go upstairs in my room and open my jewelry box and get the white envelope with the money in it. HAH! Stupid Modus operandi folks thought I'd actually have a jewelery box --- and money for that matter! Eat shit MoFos!!!

Anyways, Michelle then came back saying that I can not speak anymore because of my busted mouth. Our helper then said “Hindi ko alam yang jewelery box” I don't know anything about a jewelery box. Michelle then said that I have written something and she'll just read it. “Binayaran ko na sila kaya lang kulang ate. Kailangan ko pa ng pera. Dalhin mo ang phone sa taas. Pumunta ka sa kwarto ko andun yung jewelery box. Wag mong sabihin kay kuya kasi ayokong malaman niya.” I already paid them but it wasn't enough. I need more money. Bring the phone upstairs. Go to my room, my jewelery box is in there. Don't tell my brother 'cus I don't want him to know. Michelle then said that once our helper has the money, she'll have to go and meet up with her somewhere.

Damn them all to perdition! I've heard about this kind of modus operandi in the news. I just didnt think I'd experience it first hand. I don't even want to think about what could have happened if I went to work today. But there are other scams going on everywhere and I hope that we become vigilant in educating each other so this kind of modus operandi will never work. If there aren't anyone to fool, no one would try to.

But I gotta tell you, I'd take that kind of modus operandi call than the one I previously thought.

Going to the chapel and I'M gonna get married.

Waking up infront of the mirror. I saw myself in this white gown with ruffles and doilies and what have yous. I was still a bit groggy so i asked; "What's this Ma?" She answered with impatience "You're going to get married. It's about time!"

Hrm... of course this is just a dream. No, not the fantstical sense of the word, I mean literally.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and winced. My hair was horrid and so was my eye make-up. If I were going to get married. I might as well look my best. I removed the make-up and got my magic liquid liner to do my usual winged eyelines.

I had to meet up my friend. I had to tell her something... so I dashed out wearing my wedding gown and albino python boots. I took my bike and pedalled away. (Bike. Ridiculous).

Anyways I pedalled all the way to the highway and found myself in the opposite direction of incoming trucks and buses. (I wonder who this friend is that I'd ride a bike to get to her in my wedding gown)

So anyways, I was afraid I'd get a ticket cus I was going the wrong way so I pulled over (with my bike) and asked a policeman who was sort of laughing at me... on account of me in a gown and riding a bike and all.

"Hey sir, can I just cross this road so I can get tot he right path?"
Policeman: "No, you have to go back where you came from and make the turn you're supposed to. Either that or brave the incoming traffic."

I asked another policeman.
"Sir, would it be alright if I just cross the road? That way is too far for me to pedal."
Policeman2: "Well there's another route if you want. You can take that road right there"
The man walked me to the road I was supposed to be in. But looking at it.. it wasn't a road at all.. it was a very steep staircase going downhill.

"But sir, I'm on a bike.. how am i supposed to take that road?" I retorted.
"Well, you can take the path he told you.. or you can pedal your bike down there... you have no other choice."

It would have been easy if I were an extreme cyclist. The stairs was not an easy ride. It had high steps.. about a foot from each other... I was afraid I'd just stumble and break my neck. The policemen were waiting for me to make a decision. I got off my bike then carried it down the stairs which felt like it would lead me straight to perdition.

Finally at the bottom of the stairs was a wet street. I ditched my bike and I saw my friend.. only I had no clue who my friend was. She had no face. But I knew she was a friend.(This is too much) She stared at me with curiosity. So i said nonchalantly; "Oh yeah.. I'm getting married. That's where we're going." (Wow.. I went through all that just to go to the wedding with my friend)

She asked; "Oh. Who you getting married to?"
And I said "No one. I'm getting married by myself. There's no groom. There's only me." (Nice. Is this dream full of symbols or what?!)

She got in the passenger seat and her fiend who I have not noticed until now got in the backseat holding a pillow I got from a friend's wedding. He was about to throw it out. I looked at him with an eyebrow raised.
Guy:"Hey is this yours?"
Me: "Yes." he put the pillow back in the car.
Guy:" Oh sorry. Who's car is this anyways?"
Me: "Mine."
Guy:"Oh.."

All three of us were already in the car. My friend was in the passenger seat, me & the new guy were in the backseat. I looked in the empty driver's seat.. and lo and behold.. no one was going to drive us! Then I woke up.

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT???

Taxi adventures: "Manong bat nakatayo ang mga balahibo mo?!"

Heto nanaman ako sa mga taxi adventures ko.


Galing Makati, pumunta ako ng Taguig para i-meet ang kaibigan ko.


Ako: Boss, taguig po.


Drayber: Mam sarado ang ayala daan na lang tayo sa Bayani road.

Hindi ko alam kung anong pinagsasasabi niya dahil kakakain ko lang ng butterscotch "adult" ice cream (may halong whiskey pero parang may halong ice cream lang yung whiskey). At mejo gumegewang pa ang mundo ko.

Ako: Ah oo sige dun na lang!

Rrrring Rrring!

Tumawag ang kaibigan ko. Nakipagkwentuhan at nakipagtawanan sa telepono. Napansin ko, na si manong ay tingin ng tingin sa akin at sa kanyang kaliwang gilid. Shempre na-aning nanaman ako! kakabili ko lang ng telepono at ayoko ng mawala nanaman ito kaya gumawa gawa na lang ako ng kwento sa kaibigan ko.

Ako: Wala na nga akong pera eh! Siguro hanggang 3 araw na lang ang kakayanin ng pera ko. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko .. haaaay.


Kunwari lang yun para hindi ako mapagisipan ng masama ni kuya.


Click.

May nadaanan kaming sementeryo. Malaki ito at maganda. Napatingin ako ng mga tatlumpung segundo.
Nawirduhan nanaman ako kay manong drayber. Hindi niya sinasagot ang telepono niyang ring ng ring at tingin sha ng tingin sa akin.

Nagising nanaman ako sa aking ulirat at pumagitna sa likod. Sinuksok ko ang ulo ko sa gitna ng dalawang upuan sa harapan. Tingin sakin ng tingin ang manong.
Nang biglangbiglang...


Ako: Manong! Nakatayo ang mga balahibo mo sa kamay!


Binuksan ng manong drayber ng ilaw at pilit niyang ibinababa ang mga buhok sa braso.
Mejo na-aning nanaman ako.


Ako: Hala kuya! Bakit nakatayo ang mga balahibo mo?!


Oo sumisigaw na ako nito sa sobrang pagka-aning.


Drayber: Wala mam. May pumara kasi satin kaning babae.

Ako: HAH!? (laglag baba...) Hinampas ko ng pagkalakas-lakas si kuya at tumili pa yata ako ng kaunti. Kuya! Wag mo akong tatakutin!! Nakakainis ka naman eh!

Drayber: Hindi ko kayo tinatakot mam. Akala ko nga nakita mo kasi tumingin ka sa kanya ng matagal.

Ako: EEeeeeeh! Kuyaaaaaaaaa! Hampas, hampas.


Naiiyak na talaga ako nito. Punyetang ice cream yan.

Sinabihan ako ni kuya na wag na akong matakot kasi wala na. Parati naman daw shang may nakikita doon sa lugar na yun. Akala lang daw niya ay nakita ko din. Anak nang! Kung may nakita man ako.. hindi ko sha tititigan noo!



Nagbayad na ko kay kuya ng 120php.

Ako: Hay nako kuya. May nagsabi sakin dati na dapat daw isarado ko yang third-eye na yan. Baka nga daw may third eye ako. Minsan kasi bigla na lang akong kikilabutan! Totoo! Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ako nakakatitig dun kanina eh. Wala naman akong nakita.


(Mejo mas madaldal ako pag naimpluwensyahan ng alkohol. Mahaba pa ito, hindi ko lang maalala)

Drayber: Mam, pwede na po kayong bumaba.

Ako: Ay sori. Sige ingat!

Tags of Pages

When i really like a book I tend to put tags or markers on the pages to remind me of how much I enjoyed that particular part. A reminder of a life that could never be or a life that I could never run away from.

Anyways, I was just going through my micro mini library and i realized that I haven't finished or read about 10 books!

One is by Murakami, which I doubt I'd actually finish any time soon. Another is Dante's Inferno which I tried my darndest to understand. The rest include: Eating fire and drinking water (had a nice synopsis), The God of Small things (Seemed interesting), Bridget Jones's Diary - Edge of reason (got it off a book sale & I thought it was agood buy), The Sun also Rises (It's by Hemingway, I thought it would be like a Farewell to Arms ... I'll finish one of these days), Stainless Longganisa (I enjoyed Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas.. it's probably his best), The Tao of dreaming (I just got this one and I started reading it at the store), Like water for chocolates (Given to me as a gift. I didn't start it yet cus I realized I haven't finished a lot). There's one more which I'd rather not mention cus it's super cheesy it's not even funny!

With all this semi read books.... It may be a tell-tale sign that i may be Bipolar.

So anyways, instead of finishing one of these books, I decided to re-read one of my faves. No it's not Catcher... it's White Oleander. I just went through the markers I've made on the book.A little smirk... shake of the head... a knowing smile...

Those were the reactions I caught muself doing while going through these little markers I've put. Everything I've marked had something to do with loneliness, love --- the absence there of or the misunderstood notion of it and witty remarks about mediocrity and Defenses. Hah! No wonder I never finished the others.
They werent angry enough.

It's funny how you can tell so much about a person with his collection of books.

It's sad for my part really. But I guess I've accepted it. Either that or I'm just so used to it that I dont care anymore. Or maybe I'm just saying this to sound stronger than I really am... I'll go with the latter.
The pain is lessened when you peel of the band aid yourself... but sometimes it's hard to tell.

He calls me Ice Queen

Its days like these when I wish I had someone I can rely on... someone I can pour my heart out to without wondering if they're sick of me or if they're bored out of their minds... I dont have one of those...

I'm usually the one they go to...

I had a friend who used to call me Ice Queen. I asked him why and he said because Im numb all over. I didn't get fazed by that name. As a matter of fact, I was proud that he called me that. It seemed like I was this super villain who never gets hurt. He used to tell me that I need someone to thaw me out. I didn't really care.

I knew that I was pretty apathetic about many things. I dont get affected by many things that come my way. Better that way than welcome the unwanted feelings right? I knew that I was pretty cold. I mean I don't really care if someone leaves anymore.. you get used to it after a while. It's like putting alcohol on a healing scab.

It's so easy keeping people out that it's such a breeze when it comes to pushing them out.

I don't really care.

I don't even care if a person that I was close to does not talk to me for ages. My thinking is... you dont want to talk to me? SO what... people come and go... and I dont expect anyone to stay.

Sometimes I cry for the lack of emotion I carry with me. It's sad really. People think that I'm jaded when it comes to love... I think I'm just jaded... period.

I just had a fight with my big brother. And for the love of me... right now I don't care if I dont see or talk to him for years. I hurt him with so much with my words. I said... the only reason why I talk to him is because I have no choice. We were screaming at each other... I was throwing curse words everywhere... he kept quiet.

I was so angry I didnt even know where the anger was coming from. But feeding it was so delicious...

I've got a dagger for a tongue and I can't help it. That's why I hate being confronted. Cus I would never back down. You hurt me? I'll hurt you back 10x over. Defense mechanisms is a bitch. No one has enough ammo to hurt me that bad ... cus I never let anyone get to know me well enough. I've had my demons used against me and that will never happen again.

Sometimes I cry like I've just been stabbed with a rusty 9-inch nail. It doesnt seem so bad at first, but you start feeling the effect after a while.

I'm so deluded with my own ideals that I dont even know if I'm real anymore.

It's not me... It is soooo You

(Click on image before reading)

For Spite
For Leers
For Gossip
For Jeers

For stepping stones
And broken bones
Angelic smiles
And evil guiles

For Immaturity
For Over-sensitivity
For the ability of Negativity...

These visruses spread like the flu...
All I wanna say is;

"It's not me... it's definitely YOU".

Status: SINGLE... so what?

We had a big family reunion last week in Ilocos and though I loved going there, I always find myself putting on my fake face.

Why? Because there are so much niceties and traditions that must be done even though I don't feel like it. Like saying "helleooow" to people I don't know. Playing nice to others I don't really care much about.

That's why I always bring my ipod and a book wherever I go. An excuse to escape. On this trip, I brought my dslr. A very good excuse to roam around the village without answering too many questions.

Questions such as; "Annabelle, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No tita."

"Why not? No one courting you"? (with a face which will make anyone feel like they're the ugliest human being alive. Either that or they give you a look where it seems like they're thinking 'there must be something wrong with her')

"Uh... ah... oh look! A flying bird! I have to catch it on flight! Bye tita!"

Avoiding questions like that seems inevitable cus it follows me everywhere I go. It's like there's definitely something wrong with you if you're not in a romantic relaitonship. I mean ... what is the big effing deal? If I'm not bothered, why are the rest bothered?

I had dinner with my family at a Chinese restaurant the other day and while I was drinking tea, my mom asked me the same question that everyone has been asking me. And when I said;

"No ma, I don't"

"Well, I wanna wear a beautiful gown for your wedding so could you hurry up and get yourself a boyfriend?"

"Well ma, I was planning on just grabbing a very good looking guy and just tricking him to have sex with me!"

My mom gave me the nastiest look then said..."Gaga"

I just smiled at her and said... "I don't have a boyfriend Ma, so don't expect me to get married any time soon."

Her face changed and gave me this look that was filled with so much pity. She touched my hair and she said; "You're very pretty".

A tear almost fell...

I looked at my tea cup just staring at the tea dregs. I was dumbfounded when i saw what it was shaped like. It reminded me of Harry trying to decipher his tea dregs and how Ms.Trelawney said that the grim symbolizes doom and death.

I wondered what mine represented. click! click! click!... I stirred it... I didn't want to be bothered with it anymore.

There are others who ask me about a very close friend of mine. "Why don't you just go for him? He's cute."

Urm.. uhh... because I don't want to. Just because I'm single, doesnt mean i'll go for the first guy who has a thing for me.

I understand that most of my friends and family just want me to be happy.

That's just the thing though... I am happy.

I'm perfectly fine.

And I don't need the incessant questioning to waver my happily thought of happiness.

It doesn't make things any better.

It just makes me think more of my jadedness... of my inability to feel romance and affection.

Apathy has helped me go through a lot. Why stop now?

In my mind's eye

I have always wanted to be an artist, but I lack the talent and creativity for it. I tried painting an old chair once when i was about 13 and I couldn't even do it properly. Paint was everywhere.

I tried my artistic prowess on a vase that I found at home. I painted it with flowers and spirals and even coated it with a thin film of varnish. A few weeks later my mom saw it and said... "itapon na yan." Hu hu hu. =<

I have also tried painting my old room with blasts of colors and drawings of dilapidated flowers and even just swirls and silver and gold... it looked like a cow threw up on it.

I used to watch a friend of mine paint. He would spend so much time on one area then on to the next then back to the other again. He would explain what kind of effect he's going for. I could watch him for hours just trying to shade and rub and mix colors for the entire day if he'd only let me. But he usually feels guilty because he thinks I get bored watching. He told me that he could teach me the basics of painting if I would allow him to... but I was afraid that once he found out how untalented I truly am.. he might think twice about being my friend so I said no. Hu hu hu.

Hence, a camera is the only solution.

A lot of my friends have told me that I have a good eye and that I should start capturing beautiful things instead of making them since I really can't.

But now that I have a pretty decent camera for a beginner, I find myself taking pictures of specific things but nothing in particular.

I capture random things which I think are beautiful in my mind's eye .. but once I have taken it... it seems to lose its luster and beauty.

Ahh... the dilemma of a wannabe artist. I would love to walk around quiapo and click away. But I'm afraid that someone would kick me senseless into the gutter and take my camera from me.

I wanna just walk around ayala ave at 3am in the morning just to capture and bask in the beauty of its silence but I'm afraid that I might get lost in that world and i won't be able to face the morning after.

Or people might think Im crazy and call the cops on me. (I have aknack of making people think that I'm up to no good -- remember the taxi driver?)

So now I don't know what type of photos I should take and how I can strip all my inhibitions away. I hate being called a wannabe and right now I truly am. I hate being called pretentious because right now I feel like I'm just pretending to know what I'm doing. I wish artistry was innate in me but it's not.

People say that I show my creativity in the way i dress... but I think I dress normal enough. Nothing out of the ordinary -- not to my standards at least.

Arrgh.. I am so frustrated it's not even funny.

Trying to be an artist

Manong Drayber: Baka naman may naghihintay jan na kasabwat mo!

Eto nanaman ako sa aking taxi adventures!

Sumakay ako ng taxi pauwi pagkatapos naming uminom ng Gin premium w/ green tea extract ng mga ka opisina ko. BIglang nag alburuto ang tiyan ko... nakipag talo pa ko sa sarili ko. Pag umutot ako dito sa loob, ma-aamoy kaya ni kuya? Napag desisyonan ko na wag na lang kasi ako din ang magiging kawawa sa lupet ng magiging amoy nito. Masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko noon dahil nga gusto ko ng magbawas.
Kaya nung malapit na ko sa bahay ko at biglang lumiko and manong drayber... galit na galit lang talaga ako!

Drayber: Dead end na yun ma'am.

Ako: Hindi, diretcho ka lang.

Drayber: Hindi pwede, dead end na yan. Kumanan sha pabalik sa p.tuazon (main road)

Ako: Kuya! San ka pupunta? Yun na yung bahay ko oh!

Drayber: Ah hinde. Hindi ako babalik dun!

Ako: Ha?! San mo ko dadalhin? andun na yung bahay ko!

Drayber: Mamaya may nag hihintay sakin dun! Hindi na ko babalik dun!

Ako: Kuya! Mukha ba kong magnanakaw? Ano ka ba?! Pag kanan mo dun katipunan na kaya yun! Hindi yun dead end mamatay man ako dito sa taxi mo ngayon!

(Nag aalburuto na talaga ang tiyan ko nito... nakadungaw na yata.)

Drayber: Hindi talaga! Ibababa na lang kita sa katipunan.

Ako: HA!? (drop jaw ito) Eh pano ko uuwe?

Drayber: Mag tricycle ka!

Ako: May nakikita ka bang tricycle??? Alas tres na ng umaga! Alangan na mang maglakad ako from katipunan to p.tuazon!!!

Drayber: Ah basta...

Ako: Sige baba mo ko kahit san dito... hindi kita babayaran. (140 na ang bill)

Drayber: Aba... hindi pwede yan.

Ako: Kaya nga ako nag taxi para hindi ako maglakad tapos kung san san mo lang ako ibababa!

Drayber: Ayusin na lang natin to sa prisinto. (May prisintong malapit sa amin)

Ako: (Keber face) Aba e di punta tayo dun! Ako pa tinakot mo!

Sa prisinto, may 3 pulis na nag uusap. Bumababa ako ng taxi at sinabi ko na hindi ko babayaran yung taxi kasi ayaw niya ko ihatid sa bahay ko. Aba ang manong drayber nagsi-sisigaw doon. Kesho may kasabwat daw ako! Napatawa na lang ako kasi ang sabi ng mamang pulis ay:

Muka ba namang mang gagancho si ma'am? Tingnan mo naman itsura ni ma'am naka dress na makintab pa! (Naka pula akong bistida na may sequins sa may neck-line... susyal! hehe)

Si manong drayber biglang kabig at ipinakita sa mamang pulis and hiwa sa gilid ng kanyang leeg.

Na holdap na po kasi ako noon ser. Babae din. Ayoko ng mangyari ulit uon. Na-trauma po kasi ako. Sana mainindihan niyo.

Mejo naawa naman ako di ba... pero bakit niya nilalahat? HIndi tama yon!

Ako: E di wag mo na ko ihatid dun sa bahay ko. Basta hindi ako magbabayad!

Drayber: Ser! Sabihan niyo naman!

Mamang Pulis: O sha sha... sasamahan ko na lang kayo sa bahay ni ma'am.

Ako: Salamat po.

(Hindi na ko nag salita sa loob ng taxi kasi nga amoy chico ako. Baka sabihin ng pulis eh lasengera ako.... hmm... actually....)

Hinatid ako ng drayber at ni mamang pulis sa bahay ko.

Drayber: Pasensha na ma'am.. mukha kasing dead end kanina eh.

Ako: Sabi ko naman sa yo hindi eh. O sha eto na. (nagpasalamat ako sa mamang pulis)

Haay! Baligtad na talaga ang mundo. Ang mga drayber na ngayon ang takot sa mga maliliit na babaeng katulad ko.

Pagkamalan ba namang akong mang ho-holdap!?

Hindi ko rin naman masisi si kuya kasi nga wala naman sa itsura ang mga masasamang loob. Minsan nga, yung mga naka kurbata pa ang mga snatser. Ikinwento ko ito sa mama ko at ang sabi niya sakin ay mag-resign na daw ako kasi delikado daw. Ang sabi ko naman sa kanya, ma kahit saan naman may ganyan. Kailangan lang akong mag ingat. Taguig, makati, sukat, ortigas o cubao man yan.

Nakakatakot naman talaga ang mundo ngayon. Pero kung sa bahay ka lang naman at mabuhay ka sa takot... eh wala ng mangyayari sa buhay mo. Katulad ng sinabi ng isang munting asul na isda.."if you don't want anything to happen to him, then NOTHING will ever happen to him"

Haay buhay.

Birthday Shmirthday Week!

I just had my Schmirthday last April 21st and though I originally planned to have a party, I decided that turning 29 isn't really a big deal. Shoot! Did I just write that here? Yeah... i just turned 29. Haaay... My mom planned for us to go to Ilocos, but as usual it didnt push through.

Anyways, on the eve of my b day, my family and I just went to my favorite reso-- Mario's at Tomas Morato. Of course I ordered my all-time fave Filet Mignon and and the flambeed desert mango jubilee! I was just playing with my 1-yr old nephew when I caught a glimpse of a banjo... I thought I was just thinking of Rainbow Connection again but then I saw a candle.... I was gonna run for it and duck for cover but it was too late for me. I was doomed to have the embarrassing birthday song. So yeah, I endured the 2-minute "remix" rendition of the B song and I stared at the complimentary birthday cake as my lonesome candle swayed erratically. Where the hell was the wind coming from? Oh yeah... I was breathing pretty heavy. I finally blew out the candle and told our server; "Just wrap it up thanks!"

When I got home, my bessy Jino texted me saying "Belle, salubungin natin birthday mo!" I was glad he texted cus I haven't seen him for ages! We went to Congo grill in hopes of a sip from my favorite Gilbey's premium Green Tea, but it wasnt avail so I settled fot a sub-zero San Mig Light! Oh yeah! (thanks jubey)

A lot of people greeted me even the ones I haven't seen or texted in a while. Thanks to friendster! hehe... it was a nice feeling to be remembered though just for a day. (mag-drama daw ba)

So yeah, on my birhtday proper (naks), we went to get a massage. I was reluctant at first because I was used to getting my massages at G-Spa but my sister wanted to try a place she's never tried before so we went to Wensha Spa. For 680php per head it's a pretty good price, considering a buffet/shabu-shabu is included. I loved the wet area the most cus its so spacious and the huge jacuzzi was so relaxing it's not even funny! It was a bit weird at first cus everyone was stark nekked! Yyyep! Nekked as the day they were born! I saw breasts chillaxing... just hanging out! Get it? get it? hehehe

Bathing suits and underwear were forbidden to be worn! I was like... "No way am I gonna dip in that jacuzzi with my cave ready to be devoured by foreign microbes! If I were to get a microbe, it will be by my own terms and pleasure!!!" hehehehe.... but yeah, the towel girl finally said that we could purchase disposable undies for 20php. Whew! Yep... its been a while since I got a good massage and man... that was one for the books!

The next day, me and my bessy went at the PCA (some club in manila) to work out. The trainer stretched me out like I was bubble gum... only without the elasticity. What the F?! I was cracking all over! I kept ooohing and aaahhing --- and not the good kind!
It seemed like I was gonna break like a fat twig any monument. But it was a good workout nonetheless. Since all he had to do was sign for my lunch and session, I didnt have to pay for anything.

Then we called our two other bessys MJ and Loren so we could watch THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT! MJ was screaming like there was no tomorrow! Actually, we were all screaming in sync... MJ's was just the loudest. It's funny cus me and Loren would laugh out loud after screaming. (Kinda like when me and Nyl watched mirrors! He screamed.. I laughed! haha)

Oh! and there was a time when our chairs started vibrating and when Loren looked behind us, there was a G4M thing goin on! The guy on his knees pretended he was looking for something on the floor. (tee hee)

Then last thursday, my mum, sis, nephew and yaya went to Sulo hotel for a buffet dinner. Yeah, my mom just cant get enough of that place. Anyways, on our way home, I got sad cus my mom didn't let me go to Baler (a colleague wanted to go surfing). Yes I have to agree with some friends when they say that I am the dreaded 3-letter word. Not the songs or the so-called "style" ok.... just the mood swings and all. MDE is just fucked up.
So yeah, I tagged a long with a friend at the Meatshop 2 in katipunan just to level myself to normal again. I was pretty alright when I got home so that was good. No more Baler thoughts... until next time.

Yesterday, we went to G5 and my mum and sister just shopped a bit. I don't understand the affinity of women with luis vitton... I think is ugly and over priced. Oh well. I treated them at Ray & Pete's Texas Smoke 'Em for lunch and we had baby back ribs and key lime pie.... that was Delish!!! Worth every penny! After that I wanted to join some of my colleagues at a house party but my mom was being too much of a mom.

So yeah.. that's how I spent my not-so-event Shmirthday week.

Apprub!!!

The Dreamer is Me

My colleagues are getting pestered with my affinity to the song Rainbow Connection. I play it on loop while checking test papers or when I'm on my lunch break with them. One of my friends at work even said; "Belle, if i hear Rainbow connection one more time... I su-wear..."

So I didn't play it anymore. Okay I lied. I played it like 11x today.
I guess the song's effect on me is different on others.

According to the great green wise muppet;

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

I first heard this when I was around 6 years old. I vividly remember Lea Salonga's innocent voice dancing in my ears. I sang along even though I didn't know the words nor did I understand what the words meant. My mom would applaud my gibberish and it made me happy. All I knew was that it made me feel like I was in a safe place.

But now that I listen to it. It puts me in a place full of hope ... then despondency. It's sad really. Like a child wishing for Santa to give her a pony for Christmas.

I've been listening to the 4 versions of this song (Kermit the Frog, Sarah McLachlan, Jason Mraz & Lea Salonga) for two weeks now and each one of them made me feel the same. It doesn't seem so magical to me anymore. It just seems like a song full of false hopes. Replacing rainbow with the dreaded four-letter word didn't make it any better and I find myself with a lump in my throat everytime the song is at its end. The end of hoping ...

...What's so amazing that keeps us star-gazing?
What do you think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
...

...I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

People get older and in their years come realization. I'm not a kid anymore. No sense in wishing.
It's a matter of mind-set they say.
But it seems like my song is about to end and I have yet to see my rainbow.

For real? I think you got the wrong person.

I only got this because a friend of mine nominated me...
though I'm very thankful to LAPS for nominating me, I find this award a bit pretentious for me becuase I'm not a REAL blogger like most people here. Sometimes I'm envious of my other friends because they have so many ideas to write about to last a life time. I on the other hand have Flight of Ideas. I'll lose it in a moment, or I'll think of something else in another. I can never have a full grasp of my own ideas. If you take the time and look at my posts here... it's all about ranting and self-defacating introspection.

But of course I'm very thankful that I was given a blog award! I really do appreciate it and all... but seeing how cynical I am, I sill don't find the pleasure in receiving one.

:)

The Creak of the Door

I've been feeling under the weather lately. Come to think of it, I think it has been going on for quite a while now. I have bouts of depression which I do not have control over. It comes in waves of emotions and most often than not, the lack there of.

Yesterday, a trainee asked; "Miss Belle, are you ok? You've been having a diferent aura lately."
I shrugged it off and forced a smile. When we got back to class, I almost cried as I watched their expectant faces.

But big girls don't cry. Figuratively speaking. So I sucked it up.

I pretended that I've been having allergies and excused myself for sniffing and tearing up. I couldn't let the trainees see me in a weak state.

I couldn't figure out why I almost lost it. I'm a very logical person. There's always an answer to a question. An explanation to a phenomenon and a cause to an effect. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I couldnt figure ME out.

I wanted to cry out whatever I was feeling. But since I didn't know what it was I felt, I took out all my depressing movies when I got home.

I started it off with The Wrestler - a very sad story, but it didnt make me cry.

The Legends of the Fall -- one of my favorite tear jerkers, but still no tears.

Closer - a depressing heart break movie, and still no water works.

Then around 5 am, I heard the creak of a door opening. My sister's up.

An invisible sheath of panic covered me from head to toe and before I knew it I was gasping for air. Tears flowed relentlessly. I tried to stifle the cries, no need to cause panic. After a while, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth. I was biting down way too hard on the blanket I used to stuff my mouth with. I needed to make no sound.

I wanted to run to her. I wanted her to tell me it's okay. I wanted her to take the pain away. But all I could do was wave from my window. She smiled and waved back. Another burst of stifled tears and I realized I have been in pain for so long, I've forgotten that it was there.

9am... I needed to go to sleep. I went to my baby nephew's room and played with him. He is my definition of Love. So pure and simple.

12noon... Time to get ready for work. Suck it all up. Don't falter. No slips. No tears. Be strong.

Thinking with Your Hair

There are a lot of people who think with their hair and not with their brain. Well, it is pretty close to the brain. They probably thought that since the hair has roots, it has major connection to the brain! BRA-VO! Jeez! It’s hard to be logical and civil when the people around you seem to be coaxing you to be otherwise.

With all the technological advancements and knowledge that we have acquired, it seems that we are going back to the ice age with these moronic interventions.

Ah, I apologize for my hastiness. Let me explain what this Moronic Intervention is. It is a type of intrusion that only morons would do. Okay, too subjective. Let’s start of with; Intervention is a type of participation wherein one partakes in sharing or helping another from a certain situation. Moronic, coming from the root word Moron, is a person who does not think of the outcome of his/her actions. It is one who thinks not with the brain but with his/her hair roots, thus the term Moronic Intervention. It is a type of intervention wherein the participants and their actions are moronic in manner.

With the given definition, let me test your skills. Given below are situations. Give the most suitable answer.

1. You catch your friend stealing chemicals from the chem. Lab. What would you do?
A. Tell her that she forgot to get the rest on the other cupboards
B. Tell her that mixing sulfur and water will be horrendous for the skin if touched and give her a load of moisturizer with placenta cream
C. Tell the professor right away! You might get extra points for being such an upstanding student.

2. A friend of yours keeps smoking even though he has been coughing for 6 months straight, what would you do?
A. Tell him to buy a facemask so he won’t spread his germs.
B. Buy your own facemask so you won’t get his germs.
C. Stop being his friend.

3. When you are angry or annoyed at a person, what do you usually do?
A. Make “parinig” that they are ugly and YOU are gorgeous
B. Vandalize their name in the school CR and answer your own vandalism with more vandalism until you fill up all the stalls with vandalism making sure that you use a permanent marker
C. Learn witchcraft

4. At school you see your boyfriend with one of his girl buddies, what will you do?
A. Cut class and watch their every move.
B. Have someone else cut class and watch their every move.
C. Hire an investigator.

5. You catch your friend cheating on the exams and the professor seems to be eying him, so you;
A. Ask for answers before the professor catches him.
B. Tell the teacher right away… you might get extra points for being so honest
C. Tell him “YOU ARE A SINNER AND YOU WILL BURN IN THE FIRES OF HEEELLLLL!!!”

How does one think with their hair? It’s not hard to spot a hair thinker. They are the ones who think that it takes too much effort to use a percentage of the actual brain so they limit themselves with their hair. Rash decisions are made. Unreasonable defenses are given for any bad action. Immaturity is fought with immaturity and Moronic Interventions are taken as if it is the only choice.

A simple misunderstanding can turn into warfare when there are extraneous variables roaming the universe. The ones thinking with their hair are the ones so ignorant that they refuse to think that there is more to life than making fun of other people or trying to pick a fight. See, the ones who think with their hair care so much on how their “hair” looks like that it would be ghastly if they did not think with it. Ah… reputation. It is the killer of all the killers. Reputation... Pride… Ego, they all come as one.

I would do anything not to think with my hair. But it seems inevitable. So, if I am to think with my hair, I might as well fix it. Cleanse it, condition it and free it from any parasite. This way I can say that though I think with my hair, at least I do it with no tangles, no split ends and no smell.

Note to the public:
If you answered even one of the questions, I recommend a trip to the salon. You might as well look nice if you are to think with your hair. Ψ

(This article was originally written for Freudian Slip, BS Psychology's Newsletter for the university I went to where, surprisingly, I was the Editor-in-Chief.)