The Creak of the Door

I've been feeling under the weather lately. Come to think of it, I think it has been going on for quite a while now. I have bouts of depression which I do not have control over. It comes in waves of emotions and most often than not, the lack there of.

Yesterday, a trainee asked; "Miss Belle, are you ok? You've been having a diferent aura lately."
I shrugged it off and forced a smile. When we got back to class, I almost cried as I watched their expectant faces.

But big girls don't cry. Figuratively speaking. So I sucked it up.

I pretended that I've been having allergies and excused myself for sniffing and tearing up. I couldn't let the trainees see me in a weak state.

I couldn't figure out why I almost lost it. I'm a very logical person. There's always an answer to a question. An explanation to a phenomenon and a cause to an effect. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I couldnt figure ME out.

I wanted to cry out whatever I was feeling. But since I didn't know what it was I felt, I took out all my depressing movies when I got home.

I started it off with The Wrestler - a very sad story, but it didnt make me cry.

The Legends of the Fall -- one of my favorite tear jerkers, but still no tears.

Closer - a depressing heart break movie, and still no water works.

Then around 5 am, I heard the creak of a door opening. My sister's up.

An invisible sheath of panic covered me from head to toe and before I knew it I was gasping for air. Tears flowed relentlessly. I tried to stifle the cries, no need to cause panic. After a while, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth. I was biting down way too hard on the blanket I used to stuff my mouth with. I needed to make no sound.

I wanted to run to her. I wanted her to tell me it's okay. I wanted her to take the pain away. But all I could do was wave from my window. She smiled and waved back. Another burst of stifled tears and I realized I have been in pain for so long, I've forgotten that it was there.

9am... I needed to go to sleep. I went to my baby nephew's room and played with him. He is my definition of Love. So pure and simple.

12noon... Time to get ready for work. Suck it all up. Don't falter. No slips. No tears. Be strong.