Its days like these when I wish I had someone I can rely on... someone I can pour my heart out to without wondering if they're sick of me or if they're bored out of their minds... I dont have one of those...
I'm usually the one they go to...
I had a friend who used to call me Ice Queen. I asked him why and he said because Im numb all over. I didn't get fazed by that name. As a matter of fact, I was proud that he called me that. It seemed like I was this super villain who never gets hurt. He used to tell me that I need someone to thaw me out. I didn't really care.
I knew that I was pretty apathetic about many things. I dont get affected by many things that come my way. Better that way than welcome the unwanted feelings right? I knew that I was pretty cold. I mean I don't really care if someone leaves anymore.. you get used to it after a while. It's like putting alcohol on a healing scab.
It's so easy keeping people out that it's such a breeze when it comes to pushing them out.
I don't really care.
I don't even care if a person that I was close to does not talk to me for ages. My thinking is... you dont want to talk to me? SO what... people come and go... and I dont expect anyone to stay.
Sometimes I cry for the lack of emotion I carry with me. It's sad really. People think that I'm jaded when it comes to love... I think I'm just jaded... period.
I just had a fight with my big brother. And for the love of me... right now I don't care if I dont see or talk to him for years. I hurt him with so much with my words. I said... the only reason why I talk to him is because I have no choice. We were screaming at each other... I was throwing curse words everywhere... he kept quiet.
I was so angry I didnt even know where the anger was coming from. But feeding it was so delicious...
I've got a dagger for a tongue and I can't help it. That's why I hate being confronted. Cus I would never back down. You hurt me? I'll hurt you back 10x over. Defense mechanisms is a bitch. No one has enough ammo to hurt me that bad ... cus I never let anyone get to know me well enough. I've had my demons used against me and that will never happen again.
Sometimes I cry like I've just been stabbed with a rusty 9-inch nail. It doesnt seem so bad at first, but you start feeling the effect after a while.
I'm so deluded with my own ideals that I dont even know if I'm real anymore.