In my mind's eye

I have always wanted to be an artist, but I lack the talent and creativity for it. I tried painting an old chair once when i was about 13 and I couldn't even do it properly. Paint was everywhere.

I tried my artistic prowess on a vase that I found at home. I painted it with flowers and spirals and even coated it with a thin film of varnish. A few weeks later my mom saw it and said... "itapon na yan." Hu hu hu. =<

I have also tried painting my old room with blasts of colors and drawings of dilapidated flowers and even just swirls and silver and gold... it looked like a cow threw up on it.

I used to watch a friend of mine paint. He would spend so much time on one area then on to the next then back to the other again. He would explain what kind of effect he's going for. I could watch him for hours just trying to shade and rub and mix colors for the entire day if he'd only let me. But he usually feels guilty because he thinks I get bored watching. He told me that he could teach me the basics of painting if I would allow him to... but I was afraid that once he found out how untalented I truly am.. he might think twice about being my friend so I said no. Hu hu hu.

Hence, a camera is the only solution.

A lot of my friends have told me that I have a good eye and that I should start capturing beautiful things instead of making them since I really can't.

But now that I have a pretty decent camera for a beginner, I find myself taking pictures of specific things but nothing in particular.

I capture random things which I think are beautiful in my mind's eye .. but once I have taken it... it seems to lose its luster and beauty.

Ahh... the dilemma of a wannabe artist. I would love to walk around quiapo and click away. But I'm afraid that someone would kick me senseless into the gutter and take my camera from me.

I wanna just walk around ayala ave at 3am in the morning just to capture and bask in the beauty of its silence but I'm afraid that I might get lost in that world and i won't be able to face the morning after.

Or people might think Im crazy and call the cops on me. (I have aknack of making people think that I'm up to no good -- remember the taxi driver?)

So now I don't know what type of photos I should take and how I can strip all my inhibitions away. I hate being called a wannabe and right now I truly am. I hate being called pretentious because right now I feel like I'm just pretending to know what I'm doing. I wish artistry was innate in me but it's not.

People say that I show my creativity in the way i dress... but I think I dress normal enough. Nothing out of the ordinary -- not to my standards at least.

Arrgh.. I am so frustrated it's not even funny.